August 14, 2019
12 weeks of getting to know you. 12 weeks of falling in love with you. It was the fastest, most emotional 12 weeks of my entire life, and I can’t believe it’s already over. I know I’m lucky to have had 12 weeks with you, some only get half of what we had together. Some may think, “It’s no big deal, it’s not like you’ll never see her again.” And they’re right…but there’s something about not being able to be there for you when you cry, when you smile, when you need a diaper change, when you’re hungry…it pulls at my heart in ways I wasn’t ready for. I’ve been with you, taking care of you, for 90% of our time together. I’ve seen all of your facial expressions, I’ve seen you marvel at the littlest of things with such amazement. I’ve been your cuddle buddy after feedings, and your own personal manicurist. You have pooped, peed, and spit up on me, all of which I thought would be more gross than it actually was. I’ve watched you quickly outgrow your newborn clothes and become more aware of your surroundings. I’ve seen you at your fussiest and I’ve seen you at your happiest. And as you’ve been changing and growing, so have I. You made me a mom when you came into this world, and it’s been like nothing I’ve ever experienced. The love I feel for you could move mountains baby girl. I have a greater sense of self than ever before. I want to be the best version of me, for you. I want to be a positive role model, someone you can be proud of. I never want to disappoint you. Bottomline is, I love being your mom and I want to be the best I can be because you deserve nothing less.
This may all sound dramatic, afterall, it’s not like we’re being separated indefinitely. More just like 40 something hours a week, but that also means I have to hand over the reigns to a different caregiver. Now you’ll be under the care of family for those 40 something hours a week, and while I’m so thankful to be handing you over to family rather than a stranger, it’s still going to be so hard. Please don’t ever think I’m choosing work over you. Please don’t ever think I want to be away from you, that I’m choosing my desk over you. Please don’t ever think it’s easy for me to leave you for 8+ hours a day…please understand it’s just what I have to do for now. I know it will make me cuddle you that much tighter when we are together again every evening. It will make the time we do have together even more special than it already is. So here’s to our new routine, our next chapter. May it be harder for me than it is for you. You’re the light of my life, my greatest gift. I love you.